discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
