You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
