Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
