We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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