oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
