Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
