he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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