90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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