Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
