i would punch a child for taco bell
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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