i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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