My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
