Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
