I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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