i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I need a beard to bite.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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