So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
he was CRYING into my vagina
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Randomize
