Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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