I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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