You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
