What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Randomize
