what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
