when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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