Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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