Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
