So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
