I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
