tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
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Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
