I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
