Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
