Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
