Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
so much tequila, so little girl.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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