i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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