im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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