Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
