Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Randomize
