You're a womanizer and a bitch.
what day is it and did you see me today?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
