just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
