you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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