i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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