Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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