It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
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