you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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