i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
