What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
