just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Boobs are out for the taking
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
