So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
