I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
there is glitter all over my balls
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
