My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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