I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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