I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
