So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
