We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
