You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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