she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
