I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
